Thank you 2011, What's up 2012!

2011 has been a wild roller coaster ride. The one that makes me hold on to the edge of my seat. This will always be a memorable year for me. A lot of good and not so good things have happened. I know this is cliché, but I am letting bygones be bygones. I am bringing with me the good memories of 2011 and leaving behind the hurts, frustrations and pains.

To my parents – Papa and Mama – Thank you. I can never thank you enough for all the love and support. I may not have been a perfect son, but I know that I have been a good person. And I would like to thank you for raising me well. 

To my sister – Ate – Thank you for the love and understanding. We don’t get to talk as often as we used to be. And yes, I missed those days. I know that your family is your priority now. You are the best and the sweetest sister in the world.

To my BFF’s – M, J and N – Our friendship has been tested by time. Come hell or high water, we are always there for each other. Thank you to the wonderful 15 years of friendship. I am looking forward to more years of laughing, crying and making good memories with you.

This year I started to blog, I started to tweet. 

To my virtual readers – thank you for peeping. For leaving comments and for liking my entries. I hope that in my own little way, I have touched your lives. I promise to write as often this year.

To my twitter friends – thank you. Some of you I have met already. And I am looking forward to seeing you guys again. Let’s have coffee or dinner again. And let’s do it often. I am also looking forward to meet my other twitter and virtual friends. 

To YOU – you know who you are. Thank you. I have said this already. Ours is the kind of love that we need. We’re more than friends but less than lovers. Thank you and don’t ever change. ILY.

2011 is one for the books. Looking forward to making another wild, crazy, wonderful ride with all of you guys this 2012. 

Happy New Year!

twenty eleven

(Warning: A long read. Due to busy schedule, this could be my year end entry. Welcome the New Year safely.)

 

2011...looking back. The year started with a re-org in the office. Like everybody else, I was hesitant at first. But change is inevitable. And it turned out to be ok. New bosses were good. Co-officers are kinder, staff became more efficient. What else could you ask for?

Second quarter came and never in my wildest dream that 2011 will play a prank on me. A joke that I have to bear with for the rest of my life. Summer 2011, time for the annual physical exam. My officemate and me decided to have ours scheduled on the same weekend. APE package includes guess what, yes, HIV testing. I was hesitant at first. But after much convincing from my very good officemate friend, we both took it (she - single at that time).  And so without further ado, blood samples were taken. No counseling, no talks, NADA. Results came in two weeks after. Just when I thought that everything about me is normal, Blood Sugar - normal, Cholesterol - Normal, Uric Acid - Normal, FBS - Normal. Except for the low "good" cholesterol and my hypertension, everything's perfectly fine. Until two weeks later - a sealed white envelope was handed to me. And my life changed. I froze when I opened it for the first time inside the elevator. Speechless. Cold sweat. Floating. My mind isn't working at that time. All I could think is - death. I don't want to die.

I immediately went to the nearest chapel. How, I can no longer remember. I kneeled, prayed and ask for my mind to be clear. Never questioned HIM why. Up to this date, I never have the courage to ask HIM why. It was a self made act, nobody but me should be responsible for my doing. All I asked from HIM is for guidance to know what to do and lead me to the right person. For a month, I was out of the loop. I kept it to myself. I talked to no one but me. In prayers I talked with HIM. Saying sorry all the time. Long sleepless nights. For a month, all I did is to read and research about the virus. Is there a cure? What does it do to my body? Are there meds? Am I going to die? What about my parents? What about my sister, my nieces, my aunts? Lots of questions going through my head. The usual bubbly me suddenly became quiet and reserved. People from the office, especially my staff were the first to notice.

And so after a month of reading, researching and praying. I told myself this has to stop. I can no longer keep it to myself. I met someone from the net - a blogger, and HIV positive as well. The first pozzie friend I knew. He also helped me decide which hub to go. With all the information at hand, I finally had the courage to talk to my bestfriends. After a simple dinner, we went straight to her unit. I finally cried, I breakdown. Friends cried with me and they never questioned me. No judgement. They simply said, we have a big battle to fight and we are all in this together. That made me cry evenmore. As for my sister, I have an earlier post about how I disclosed to her.

I decided to "enroll" in SAGIP-PGH. The most proximate to where I live and work. (To my imaginary readers, especially for the newly diagnosed who haven't decided yet on which hub you will "enroll", consider proximity. Because if anything happens, you can easily go and see your doctor). Hour past noon, I was knocking at the door of SAGIP with my bff's. After a few minutes of waiting, I was invited inside the clinic and soon my new best friend - my doctor came in. She asked everything about me -  I told her everything she needs to know. Doctor simply said, "Ang tapang mo. Wala ka man lang kinausap for a month. But it looks like you have good family background naman kasi hindi ka naman nakaisip gumawa ng masama (suicidal? No Doc, I'm not)." What surprised Doc even more is that I never went through the usual HIV testing procedure - I was never counseled before and after taking the test. Not even a single word when I was handed the sealed envelope. It's as if having the virus is not enough, another blow came in. CD4 is very low at 31. I have to start with ARV's immediately. But I have to defer for two weeks since our family has scheduled a vacation as early as January and can no longer be cancelled. Immediately after our vacation I started with the ARV's.

It's been almost five months now since I took my first pill of Lamivudine/Zidovudine and Nevirapine - yes, that's my cocktail. Lucky eh, to stick to the first line of meds. I never had unusual side effects. As earlier mentioned in my previous entry, it was Azithromycin (one of my prophylaxis) that sent me to the hospital due to gastritis. Latest lab results are normal, ALT, AST, CBC and platelets are all normal. I am scheduled for my next CD4 and VL count next month. Until then, we will have to know if my body is really responding to the meds. For now, I am happy that I never experienced "nevirapine" rash and anemia. Recently, I found out (through a fellow pozzie who's taking the same cocktail) that there's a one-pill combination for all three meds. I asked my doctor and she said when I am stable enough we will try that one pill combo - yey!

During the Christmas Eve mass, I was teary eyed while praying. I am so grateful of the many blessings in my life. Despite what I am going through right now and despite what I will go through in the coming years. I don't want to say that this is my second lease in life. Rather, I am thankful that I was given the chance to live it fully and enjoy every single hour of it. Not just share but value time with family, friends and those people very dear to me and close to my heart. This year I learned to laugh a little more, love a lot more, appreciate things more.

2011 iba ka! 2012 excited na ako sa'yo.

I am looking forward to 2012. This coming year, I will continue to be a...

Son. Brother. Friend. This fallen angel will fly again...soon.

tears (cheers) for the holidays!

December has always been the busiest month of the year. Dinners, shopping and parties everywhere. Our office party’s theme this year is Masquerade Ball. Being the newbie in the company and the "bibo" kid that I am, I was chosen to be part of the committee. We were incharge in the preparation for the party and have to make sure that everything will run smoothly on the "big" day. I was also tasked to host the party that night.

Highlight of the party is the Division’s presentation cum competition. Our Division Head assigned me to lead the group. WTF, it’s as if being a committee member and hosting the party is not enough, I will have to lead a pack of 30 kids (including myself) – I call them kids as most of them are younger than me. After almost 3 weeks of preparation – yes that’s how big the presentation was and that’s how important it is as part of the Christmas Party, things are slowly getting into my nerve and tolling on me. Officemates have noticed the change from being Mr. Nice guy to Mr. Bad Guy – good pa din naman. Sungit lang ng kaunti due to the child-like and childish attitudes of some members of the group.

Last night of practice was hell night. I am really tired, after an almost whole day meeting with the committee, interviewing an applicant, meeting with the bosses. As what everyone would say, lowbat na ako during our rehearsal. I wasn’t able to check my phone not until I got home and this is what a very good friend from the office (who knows my sero-positive status) texted me:

"Teh naramdaman ko hirap at pagod mo. Bilib ako sa’yo. Nagagawa mo lahat yan despite what you’re going through. Wag mo pabayaan sarili mo. Ingat pag-uwi. God Bless unselfish people like you."

(Friend, I can feel that you’re tired and fatigued. I admire you. You can still do all those things despite what you’re going through, Take good care of yourself. Take care going home. God Bless unselfish people like you) – this is my best translation of her message. Hahaha!

Anyhow, what do I say to that? I am speechless. I never thought that someone would notice those simple gestures. I never complained about going home late and being tired during our practices. I don’t want to give them any hint that I am sick. And that deep inside, I want to breakdown and cry.

After a few minutes, I simply replied "Thank you. I was given the task; I have to do it. Kaya naman."

That simple message of appreciation brought tears to my eyes. I haven’t cried since opening up with my sister about my status. Not until last week. And this is a good reason to cry.

To you, I have already said how much I appreciate your kind words. Thank you very much.

By the way, our party was a blast. Our senior officers enjoyed the show and I received nice words and review from hosting the program. Our group finished third. Not bad.

Happy holidays everyone. Enjoy the festivities. Stay safe and healthy always.

PULSES on 4th

Yesterday marked my fourth month on ARV’s.  I know that you’ll get bored when I say that I don’t have side effects. No rashes, no more fever, no more body pains. Lab tests are all ok. Uhmm, I can pretty much say that my body has adjusted and is responding well to my meds. Yey!

Last night, I watched PULSES at The Libraray Bar in Malate with a fellow poz and some friends. Someone already warned me to bring tissue as this one will really make me cry. And it did. The play is all about real life experiences of PLHIV:

The one who decided to leave the country after finding out his sero-positive status: “Gusto kong lumayo, sa lugar na hindi ako pamilyar. Ang mga building hindi ko alam , ang mga tao hindi ko kilala.”….”Ayoko ng maligaw, gusto ko ng umuwi. Gusto ko sa lugar na alam ko ang mga building. Ayoko na sa dilim.”

The stigma experienced by the mother and child from a province down south.  “3 oras, pitumpu’t dalawang oras na lang. Hindi ako pwedeng matulog. Sana ako ang mauna.... Apat na araw na, HOPE.”

The commitment to that one person regardless of his status, acceptance and true love. “I don’t know what was that kiss for.... I looked at the clock, it doesn’t stop. “

The part that I love most was the “roof top” scene. It made me realized that our doctors, are not just there to help us be physically fit. They are also there to help us emotionally and unload ourselves of the burden we are carrying. But it doesn’t stop there, we pass it on to them and they carry it with them too. Our pain is also their pain, our joys is also theirs. Have you seen the smile on their faces every time we tell them that we’re ok and that we feel better. This means so much to them, because they know that they were able to save a life and help a “friend”.  

“Doon sa condo na yun Tita, sa 16^th floor, Si Arjay and Kevin, seven years ago halos buto’t balat na, sila pa din ngayon. Sa 9^th floor, si Benjie, Director na siya. At doon, sa Bus Station na yun, dun ako nakatira. Gusto ko magpasagasa sa bus noon. Pero eto ako ngayon, councilor. Dahil sa’yo tita.”

These are some of the lines from the play which I can recall. Probably because those lines and scenes brought tears to my eyes. Tama nga si Doc Kate, one of the doctors from my hub, this is her tweet “Maraming nangyayari sa buhay ng mga tao once they leave the clinic.”  At walang ibang tutulong sa atin kundi ang sarili lang natin. We may have the best doctor in town, we may be enrolled in the best “university”, our body maybe responding to the medicines well but what really matter is what we feel inside. The emotional pain we are going through or have gone through. I know this is cliché, but as they say, “The pain will always be there and will never go away for as long as you want it to stay.” So help yourself, trust in the Lord and everything will be ok.

One more thing, I will never forget this line…Kasi kahit ako, despite my status, nangangarap pa din ng isang taong makakasama sa buhay na tatanggapin ako at mamahalin ako ng buo. Magpapakilig sa akin at pag hinalikan  ako, ang masasabi ko lang ay…”Gagagarigagagagaa….” 

To all the PLHIV like me, we should never stop dreaming, believing and loving. You'll never know how many people you inspire,  how many people look up to you. You'll never know how many lives are you touching and how many lives are you saving.

***This was written almost midnight December 1, but was posted only today. 30th of the month is my ARV "monthsary".

you've got a friend

Since I found out about my status, I started researching about HIV/AIDS. I also started reading blogs. I even started one. This has helped me understand the virus and the situation I am currently in right now. Thru this blog, I have met a lot of wonderful people. Poz and non poz. Thru this blog, I met a friend who helped me decide which hub to go to. 

I am not a writer. I am not even good at composing a simple sentence. You’ll see a lot of flaws from my posts and entries. But this helped me accept my condition and it has helped me moved on. 

To all pozzies out there, whether newly diagnosed or not, I suggest you write down whatever you are feeling and whatever’s on your mind.  You have an imaginary reader, who could help you with whatever you are going through.

A fallen angel is ready and willing to listen, you may e-mail at fallen.angel0103@gmail.com

Project Head Shot - BOO!

Probably a long read. Puno ng emosyon. Parang hindi ako. Bunga lamang ng di magandang karanasan. Paumanhin.

Sunday, I accompanied my friend who was part of the Project Headshot in Victoria Court in Malate. All participants must wear black, since I am not part of the shoot so I wore something else. Pagdating namin, someone greeted my friend, since he’s wearing black – it’s as if mga nakaITIM lang ang kakilala nila at that time. So I waited. They rented about  4 units in Victoria. They had lectures before the shoot. The entire time ng paghinhintay ko, only a lady in her late 30’s or 40’s talked to me and bothered to ask if I was there for the shoot. I said, I’m waiting for a friend. She even offered a seat. Very nice of her. Another guy asked if I already had merienda, sabi ko no need na as I was waiting for a friend lang naman. He smiled, end of conversation.

While waiting, nagkakagulo ang mga tao. Chikahan, chikahan chikahan sa mga kakilala nila at sa mga taong dumarating na nakaITIM.  I thought they are making people aware of HIV/AIDS, but no one even dared asked if I want to join at least the lecture even if I am not part of the photoshoot.  Hindi ba nila naisip? What if I am one of the uneducated? Diba chance na to spread the news and to go for what ever their group’s cause is. AWARENESS!

Ang problema sa mga tao dun, they only talk to people they know. I am not asking for special attention, alam ko naman ang dahilan kung bakit ako andun. Porke ba hindi ako nakaITIM at hindi ako part ng shoot, titignan niyo na lang ako mula ulo hanggang paa, tapos chichika sa mga kasama niyo? This is not the kind of group na dapat gumagawa ng ganitong mga projects. No one, from the one who’s wearing Aids Phil Society shirt and Take the Test shirt even bothered to ask and approach me. This is your chance to at least talk to someone, probably the unbaptized to HIV/AIDS and educate. Convince to take the test and probably be part of the group. Sorry – but I don’t believe in your group anymore. Hindi kayo ang mga taong papaniwalaan ko.

I even heard you offering tickets for Pulses – the play. Did you even ask me to get one and watch? NO! Pero no need, magkita kita na lang tayo sa 30^th, five of us will watch. See, if I have five other friends who wanted to watch the play, sasabihin ko wag na lang at makakita sila ng mga PLASTIC na tao.

Niccolo Cosme would have been a different story…But the people there…MYGAD! Buti sana kung busy kayo attending to the participants, busy kayo kakachikahan…Tapos, titingin kayo mula ulo hanggang pa na parang may ginawa ako sa inyo tapos tuloy ang chikahan…WTF!

Kung nakaITIM kaya ako nun, iba kaya ang nangyari?

Para Kay Inay

Ang Ina kung sa paglingap

Sa anak walang katulad

O kay saya langit ang tulad

Kung may inang nagmamahal

O kay lupit nitong kapalaran

Kung walang inang tanglaw sa buhay

Ang sino man kung mayroon pang ina

Matatawag na rin, mapalad na.

Nang ako’y munti pang bata

Ay ikaw ang siyang nagpala

Sa lahat ng dusa’t hirap

Ay ikaw ang tanging lunas

‘Di ko na kayang bilangin

Ang iyong pagod sa akin

Kailanman ay di ka nag-iba

Sa’yong pag mamahal aking ina.

Kanta para sa ating mga tanging ina. Everytime I feel down or lonely, I always go home to my parents. At least andun si Mama, kahit na hindi niya ako tanungin or hindi niya alam about my condition, basta nakikita ko siya, I feel better – a lot better. Like today, for the first time after  my diagnosis, may sipon at ubo ako – panic mode.  Pero pagdating ko sa bahay, parang nawala. Hay, ang galing ng magic ni Nanay.

During one of our vacations,  medyo masama din pakiramdam ko. As soon as the plane took off, I rested my head on my mom’s shoulder and tried to sleep. Nakita yata kami ng FA, lumapit nakichika. Siguro naintriga, ano naman ang drama ng “bondying” na ‘to. I was half asleep, I heard my mom told the FA, bunso kasi, masama pakiramdam. Ganyan talaga yan maglambing. And she kept on running her hands on my head. Ay, Nanay – salamat sa lahat. Sabi nga sa Zsazsa Zaturnah, “Ikaw ang Super Hero ng buhay ko, ang Crystala at Mulawin ko…”

Nay, needless to say…Salamat sa lahat. You are the angel behind this fallen angel.

Happy 3rd

Third month on ARV's. Still no side effects. Good. No more fever, no rashes. I hope that everything will be ok na para I don't have to switch meds. New adjustment na naman yun e. Working on increasing my CD4 na, para mabawasan na meds ko. I am still taking Azithromycin and Cotrimoxazole as prop, there's also another maintenance drug for hypertension. 

Lat Friday i went to my hub to submit my Philhealth docs. The ever bubbly new nurse asked if I am on Azithro, I said yes. Voila, she gave me 6 tabs, all from DOH. She made me sign this Rx docs and that's it. It saved me almost a thousand bucks for the 6 tabs. Yes, may funds naman pala for meds for OI, ang tanong, nagagamit kaya talaga for the meds. According to the friendly nurse, before, DOH gives the hub 20 boxes of meds for OI, now it was decreased to 10 boxes. Ano kaya nangyari? We'll never know. 

While waiting for the Philhealth personnel, I waited in the clinic. Becky din pala si pretty nurse. First, I noticed, siya lang ang unang nurse na nakita on duty na naka-skirt. Take note, floral skirt. In fairness, bagay sa kanya. Sabi ko nga, siya na ang maganda. She even asked kung maganda daw ba ang color ng lipstick niya and kung bagay daw ba. I said, sa ganda mong yan, kahit ano bagay. And with that, almost an hour kami nagchikahan. Sad lang, she'll be there until Nov 15 na lang, the original Nurse who went on maternity leave will be back by then. Until next time, my "girl crush" nurse. Good luck on your next journey.

Good luck on my journey as well. To this life long battle. To another 3 months, years, hopefully decades.

 

"boxed" office

When you’re alone you get to think about a lot of things. I was early for work today (as usual), since I started working; I have never been late for work. I usually have my breakfast in the office. Sa katahimikan ng office may mga pumasok sa isip ko about my cubicle:

1. Chikahan place: It has been a place of kwentuhan during down time at work. When few of my co-officers would just sit beside my table and started sharing practically about anything and everything. In these small talks that most of the great ideas at work was born.
2. Guidance/Principal’s Office: It served as the primary office for my staff who needs some "spanking". In the rare occasion that I get disappointed with their performance, the walls of my cubicle has been a witness to our small talks and most of all hurrahs for a job well done.
3. Confession room: For my fellow officers, who shared their sentiments about work, our boss, on handling people, shifting careers and life’s other non-such.
4. Shock absorber: For some reason, ang cubicle ko ang hingahan ng sama ng loob ng co-officers ko. "Busy ka ba? Pwede dito muna ko." "Sure.", suddenly they would start sharing and one thing I knew umiiyak na. It’s a good feeling that you’re officemates and friends trust you. It’s also good for them to know that amidst the busy sched, cluttered table and horrible deadlines, there’s someone who’s willing to listen. Naging comfort zone na nila ang cubicle ko.

Most of all, my cubicle has been a witness to my silent cries when I learned about my status. For a month, when everyone else is in chaos, I was there working silently. Some officemate would ask why I do I look sad or quiet, I replied by simply shrugging. It has also witnessed how I bounced back and moved forward. I love my cubicle; it’s funny how my officemate would always say, "Ang linis ng cubicle mo, nakakahiya naman sa table ko." I take that as a compliment, I know I have this tendency to be OC. Besides, most of my time is spent within this small box, I have to make sure na malinis and comfy ang work place ko.

I will miss my cubicle when I go back to my mother unit. For now, I have at least 6 more months to make another good memories with it and the people to share it with.

Kitkat

Last weekend was a blast. Out of town with friends. Dinner down south overlooking the small town of Talisay. Though it was foggy that night, we still enjoyed the view and the dinner. With good friends around you, how can the evening go wrong. We were there to celebrate the 10^th year anniversary of a very good friend and her partner. Weekend was a celebration of friendship, love and life.

Sabi nga nila, "pag masaya ka may kapalit"…This week is "major, major" stress. Daily meetings, one major complaint a day since Monday. What else can I ask for? As of this writing, I just got back from another meeting to discuss a complaint. At sa kadaldalan ko, since I was able to interpret what transpired to the account I have to call the client and explain. Sometimes, it’s better to keep your mouth shut. Hehehe! Sige na nga, I’ll take it as a compliment, according to our Compliance Officer, "Lagi ka naman naka-smile, kahit sa phone when I talk to you I can feel that you are smiling. I know you can appease the client." Voted pa ko as PAL’s sunniest personality. Award! Hahaha!

But seriously, what I need right now is KITKAT, yes, I need a break! Pero nauna na nga last weekend. This weekend…ipapalo ko na lang ‘to. Another badminton tournament – stress buster.

Tara let’s have a break, let’s have a KITKAT and a massage. Or massage with Kit or Kat? Ewan!

A Prayer

Just want to share this prayer to everyone out there.

Prayer for the Healing of Body, Mind and Spirit

Dear Lord,

I know that there is no sickness you cannot heal,

You know all things,

You can do all things,

and I know that You love me very much.

With faith in your promise

That whatever we ask in prayer,

You will grant us if it will be good for our soul.

I come before you to ask for the healing

 of my body, mind, emotions and spirit.

Touch me now where I am hurting most.

Only you know what kind of healing I need most right now.

Let the grace of your divine love

 flow and spread to the different parts of my body

 reaching the inner recesses of my being.

Comfort me in my pain and anguish.

Correct any malfunctioning of my body organs.

Melt with your healing love any abnormal growths.

Arrest all further spreading of all sick cells

 and replace them with healthy cells.

Root out all unresolved hurts, resentments, fear

 and feeling of despair and frustration.

Heal all painful memories and repercussions

 of traumatic experiences.

Grant me the grace to accept this trial

 and sufferings and offer this for the salvation of my soul

 and those of my family and loved ones.

Forgive me for all my sins

 and fill me with your love, peace, joy, kindness and generosity.

Let me realize the deeper meaning of my sickness and trial

 and lead me closer to you as I find comfort in your loving heart.

Let me find joy and peace amidst my suffering.

And with eyes of faith, see the blessing and victory that await me.

And then, Dear Father, after I have been healed,

May I be a witness of your healing power

And bring glory, honor and praise to you..

This I pray in Jesus’ name through Mary and all the saints. Amen

number 2

From two weeks to two months.

Exactly two months today when I started taking ARV’s (Lamivudine/Zidovudine and Nevirapine). First two weeks is crucial as this is the window period for the side effects – fever, body pain, rashes. I recalled my friend telling me, if we get through that two weeks alive then we’re ok. At least for me, my friend however, was never spared from the Nevirapine rash.

As for me, the first two weeks gave me fever at night and a slight fatigue feeling at work (in the morning – and I am not even doing anything yet). I am also under prophylaxis, considering my low CD4 count. I have to take antibiotics to protect me from acquiring TB virus and Pneumonia. Two weeks prior starting my ARV’s, I started with my prophylaxis – Zithromax and Cotrimoxazole. Zithromax, which I have to take 1500mg once a week, sent me to the hospital – this is within the two-week window period. Doctor’s findings – Drug Induced Gastritis. So, it is not the ARV’s that sent me to the hospital. It’s my prop.

The day after I got out of the hospital, Nevirapine was increased to twice a day since my body responded well with the meds. Surprisingly, since then I never had fever, I never felt fatigued, no body pains. Lab tests are all ok; result is always within the normal range. Thank GOD! I am still hoping and praying that everything will be ok and that I don’t have to switch meds as this would mean another adjustment.

Today, I feel happy and healthy. There are even times that I don’t feel or think about "it" anymore.

Happy 2^nd monthsary to me and my partner – ARV!

i miss you...

i do...i really do...i am holding on to the promise of friendship...i miss you my friend.

you learn...

After A While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

monthsary and of missing someone

It’s been a month since I started my ARV’s.  So far, so good. Except for the confinement about three weeks ago due to my prophylaxis  - Azithro. My meds has been kind to me. And I am hoping and praying that my body will continuously respond to them. 

Today I also went to my grandmother’s grave. I’ve wanted to do so since the day I found out about my condition  but my schedule won’t permit me to. Thanks to the long holiday which coincides with my “ARV monthsary”.  Nanay has always been our refuge.  Finally, I was able to tell her (Yes, every time I visit her, I talk to her) about my condition. I told her that her bunso is really pasaway. I asked her to tell the good Lord and the Blessed Mary to help me with my battle – my lifelong battle. Knowing her resolute faith to the Lord and to the Blessed Mary when she’s still with us, I know that the more that she can talk to them and whisper my pleas. For the longest time, I cried again. Weeping like a child on my Lola’s grave – parang batang nagsusumbong.  I feel like a child again, longing for Nanay’s embrace.

I miss my Lola. She has always been the silent force that binds the family together. 

Nanay, I know you’re home now. While we are still busy doing our mission here. And me, trying to extend my life, continuously watch over us and be our angel.

Nanay joined our good Lord, Holiday 2007.