you've got a friend

Since I found out about my status, I started researching about HIV/AIDS. I also started reading blogs. I even started one. This has helped me understand the virus and the situation I am currently in right now. Thru this blog, I have met a lot of wonderful people. Poz and non poz. Thru this blog, I met a friend who helped me decide which hub to go to. 

I am not a writer. I am not even good at composing a simple sentence. You’ll see a lot of flaws from my posts and entries. But this helped me accept my condition and it has helped me moved on. 

To all pozzies out there, whether newly diagnosed or not, I suggest you write down whatever you are feeling and whatever’s on your mind.  You have an imaginary reader, who could help you with whatever you are going through.

A fallen angel is ready and willing to listen, you may e-mail at fallen.angel0103@gmail.com

Project Head Shot - BOO!

Probably a long read. Puno ng emosyon. Parang hindi ako. Bunga lamang ng di magandang karanasan. Paumanhin.

Sunday, I accompanied my friend who was part of the Project Headshot in Victoria Court in Malate. All participants must wear black, since I am not part of the shoot so I wore something else. Pagdating namin, someone greeted my friend, since he’s wearing black – it’s as if mga nakaITIM lang ang kakilala nila at that time. So I waited. They rented about  4 units in Victoria. They had lectures before the shoot. The entire time ng paghinhintay ko, only a lady in her late 30’s or 40’s talked to me and bothered to ask if I was there for the shoot. I said, I’m waiting for a friend. She even offered a seat. Very nice of her. Another guy asked if I already had merienda, sabi ko no need na as I was waiting for a friend lang naman. He smiled, end of conversation.

While waiting, nagkakagulo ang mga tao. Chikahan, chikahan chikahan sa mga kakilala nila at sa mga taong dumarating na nakaITIM.  I thought they are making people aware of HIV/AIDS, but no one even dared asked if I want to join at least the lecture even if I am not part of the photoshoot.  Hindi ba nila naisip? What if I am one of the uneducated? Diba chance na to spread the news and to go for what ever their group’s cause is. AWARENESS!

Ang problema sa mga tao dun, they only talk to people they know. I am not asking for special attention, alam ko naman ang dahilan kung bakit ako andun. Porke ba hindi ako nakaITIM at hindi ako part ng shoot, titignan niyo na lang ako mula ulo hanggang paa, tapos chichika sa mga kasama niyo? This is not the kind of group na dapat gumagawa ng ganitong mga projects. No one, from the one who’s wearing Aids Phil Society shirt and Take the Test shirt even bothered to ask and approach me. This is your chance to at least talk to someone, probably the unbaptized to HIV/AIDS and educate. Convince to take the test and probably be part of the group. Sorry – but I don’t believe in your group anymore. Hindi kayo ang mga taong papaniwalaan ko.

I even heard you offering tickets for Pulses – the play. Did you even ask me to get one and watch? NO! Pero no need, magkita kita na lang tayo sa 30^th, five of us will watch. See, if I have five other friends who wanted to watch the play, sasabihin ko wag na lang at makakita sila ng mga PLASTIC na tao.

Niccolo Cosme would have been a different story…But the people there…MYGAD! Buti sana kung busy kayo attending to the participants, busy kayo kakachikahan…Tapos, titingin kayo mula ulo hanggang pa na parang may ginawa ako sa inyo tapos tuloy ang chikahan…WTF!

Kung nakaITIM kaya ako nun, iba kaya ang nangyari?

Para Kay Inay

Ang Ina kung sa paglingap

Sa anak walang katulad

O kay saya langit ang tulad

Kung may inang nagmamahal

O kay lupit nitong kapalaran

Kung walang inang tanglaw sa buhay

Ang sino man kung mayroon pang ina

Matatawag na rin, mapalad na.

Nang ako’y munti pang bata

Ay ikaw ang siyang nagpala

Sa lahat ng dusa’t hirap

Ay ikaw ang tanging lunas

‘Di ko na kayang bilangin

Ang iyong pagod sa akin

Kailanman ay di ka nag-iba

Sa’yong pag mamahal aking ina.

Kanta para sa ating mga tanging ina. Everytime I feel down or lonely, I always go home to my parents. At least andun si Mama, kahit na hindi niya ako tanungin or hindi niya alam about my condition, basta nakikita ko siya, I feel better – a lot better. Like today, for the first time after  my diagnosis, may sipon at ubo ako – panic mode.  Pero pagdating ko sa bahay, parang nawala. Hay, ang galing ng magic ni Nanay.

During one of our vacations,  medyo masama din pakiramdam ko. As soon as the plane took off, I rested my head on my mom’s shoulder and tried to sleep. Nakita yata kami ng FA, lumapit nakichika. Siguro naintriga, ano naman ang drama ng “bondying” na ‘to. I was half asleep, I heard my mom told the FA, bunso kasi, masama pakiramdam. Ganyan talaga yan maglambing. And she kept on running her hands on my head. Ay, Nanay – salamat sa lahat. Sabi nga sa Zsazsa Zaturnah, “Ikaw ang Super Hero ng buhay ko, ang Crystala at Mulawin ko…”

Nay, needless to say…Salamat sa lahat. You are the angel behind this fallen angel.