Yesterday marked my first year as a poz. And a few days from now will mark my 10th month on ARV’s.
And this is what I wrote exactly a year ago:
May 22, 2011
Dead man walking…That’s what I felt when I found out yesterday (May 21, 2011) that I have it.
Unang pumasok sa isip ko, paano na sila Mama at Papa. Sino mag-aalaga sa kanila? Paano na ang mga pamangkin ko? Is it safe to hug and kiss them? Paano na ako?
I can’t recall when or how I got it…Ang iniisip ko ngayon, paano na ako? I know that right now, there’s no cure to it…Natatakot ako…Nalilito kung ano ang dapat ko gawin…I need someone to share this with, hindi ko kaya…Baka bumigay ako…First person on top of my mind is my best friend…I know that she will listen, I know that there will be a lot of question, but I know she will understand…I am praying that she will not leave me…Kung mawawala siya at hindi ako maiintindihan hindi ko na alam gagawin ko.
I will see her this week and tell her about it…Ayoko balewalain ito, this is something serious and this is something that I have to face, in one way or the other…Lutang ako, kahapon pa…Hindi ko alam kung paano ko haharapin everyday na ganito ang nararamdaman ko.
Sorry Lord, please forgive me for being careless and not taking caring of my body, the temple of my soul…Dinadasal ko po sa inyo na tulungan niyo ako sa pagsubok na ito…Kayo lamang ang paghuhugutan ko ng lakas para harapin ito…Lord, I lift up everything to you…I’m sorry.
After a year, ano ang nagbago? Ano na ako ngayon? Nasaan na ako?
I would like to think that I have become a better person. Better in the sense that I am still here and giving HIV a good fight. Yes, I still think about my parents, but I worry more about providing for them and making life easier for them. My way of thanking them for raising me up. My nieces, I spend a lot of time with them and play with them often. We hug and kiss a lot.
Me and my bff’s still manage to spend time together despite our busy schedule. Oftentimes we would check in one of the hotels in Makati or Ortigas to catch up with our lives. And they even love me more. Happy is an understatement.
Just when I thought that being reactive will restrict me from travelling, MALI. I went out of town more than a couple of times for the last year and out of the country twice since I was diagnosed. And now, me and my family is working out for another vacation. Who knows, I might visit Uncle Sam next year (fingers crossed).
Since last year, I have met a lot of wonderful people. Poz, non-poz. Some of them have left and moved on with their lives and most of them stayed. And those who stayed became a new bff. In one way or another, I know that we have both touch each other’s lives. Last year I also had my first ever pictorial for The Love Yourself Project. Feeling sikat lang. Haha!
Pero sa lahat ng ito…kasama ko si Bro. I don’t think that I will have enough strength and courage to face all of these without HIM by my side or perhaps behind me. Because each time I feel like giving up, HE would always tap my shoulder and remind me that this is not the end. Hinahagod ang likod mo at sasabihin, “This is not yet you’re destination my child. You still have a long way to go.”
For another year, and to a lot more healthy years to come…Salamat Bro. Maraming Salamat.