twenty eleven

(Warning: A long read. Due to busy schedule, this could be my year end entry. Welcome the New Year safely.)

 

2011...looking back. The year started with a re-org in the office. Like everybody else, I was hesitant at first. But change is inevitable. And it turned out to be ok. New bosses were good. Co-officers are kinder, staff became more efficient. What else could you ask for?

Second quarter came and never in my wildest dream that 2011 will play a prank on me. A joke that I have to bear with for the rest of my life. Summer 2011, time for the annual physical exam. My officemate and me decided to have ours scheduled on the same weekend. APE package includes guess what, yes, HIV testing. I was hesitant at first. But after much convincing from my very good officemate friend, we both took it (she - single at that time).  And so without further ado, blood samples were taken. No counseling, no talks, NADA. Results came in two weeks after. Just when I thought that everything about me is normal, Blood Sugar - normal, Cholesterol - Normal, Uric Acid - Normal, FBS - Normal. Except for the low "good" cholesterol and my hypertension, everything's perfectly fine. Until two weeks later - a sealed white envelope was handed to me. And my life changed. I froze when I opened it for the first time inside the elevator. Speechless. Cold sweat. Floating. My mind isn't working at that time. All I could think is - death. I don't want to die.

I immediately went to the nearest chapel. How, I can no longer remember. I kneeled, prayed and ask for my mind to be clear. Never questioned HIM why. Up to this date, I never have the courage to ask HIM why. It was a self made act, nobody but me should be responsible for my doing. All I asked from HIM is for guidance to know what to do and lead me to the right person. For a month, I was out of the loop. I kept it to myself. I talked to no one but me. In prayers I talked with HIM. Saying sorry all the time. Long sleepless nights. For a month, all I did is to read and research about the virus. Is there a cure? What does it do to my body? Are there meds? Am I going to die? What about my parents? What about my sister, my nieces, my aunts? Lots of questions going through my head. The usual bubbly me suddenly became quiet and reserved. People from the office, especially my staff were the first to notice.

And so after a month of reading, researching and praying. I told myself this has to stop. I can no longer keep it to myself. I met someone from the net - a blogger, and HIV positive as well. The first pozzie friend I knew. He also helped me decide which hub to go. With all the information at hand, I finally had the courage to talk to my bestfriends. After a simple dinner, we went straight to her unit. I finally cried, I breakdown. Friends cried with me and they never questioned me. No judgement. They simply said, we have a big battle to fight and we are all in this together. That made me cry evenmore. As for my sister, I have an earlier post about how I disclosed to her.

I decided to "enroll" in SAGIP-PGH. The most proximate to where I live and work. (To my imaginary readers, especially for the newly diagnosed who haven't decided yet on which hub you will "enroll", consider proximity. Because if anything happens, you can easily go and see your doctor). Hour past noon, I was knocking at the door of SAGIP with my bff's. After a few minutes of waiting, I was invited inside the clinic and soon my new best friend - my doctor came in. She asked everything about me -  I told her everything she needs to know. Doctor simply said, "Ang tapang mo. Wala ka man lang kinausap for a month. But it looks like you have good family background naman kasi hindi ka naman nakaisip gumawa ng masama (suicidal? No Doc, I'm not)." What surprised Doc even more is that I never went through the usual HIV testing procedure - I was never counseled before and after taking the test. Not even a single word when I was handed the sealed envelope. It's as if having the virus is not enough, another blow came in. CD4 is very low at 31. I have to start with ARV's immediately. But I have to defer for two weeks since our family has scheduled a vacation as early as January and can no longer be cancelled. Immediately after our vacation I started with the ARV's.

It's been almost five months now since I took my first pill of Lamivudine/Zidovudine and Nevirapine - yes, that's my cocktail. Lucky eh, to stick to the first line of meds. I never had unusual side effects. As earlier mentioned in my previous entry, it was Azithromycin (one of my prophylaxis) that sent me to the hospital due to gastritis. Latest lab results are normal, ALT, AST, CBC and platelets are all normal. I am scheduled for my next CD4 and VL count next month. Until then, we will have to know if my body is really responding to the meds. For now, I am happy that I never experienced "nevirapine" rash and anemia. Recently, I found out (through a fellow pozzie who's taking the same cocktail) that there's a one-pill combination for all three meds. I asked my doctor and she said when I am stable enough we will try that one pill combo - yey!

During the Christmas Eve mass, I was teary eyed while praying. I am so grateful of the many blessings in my life. Despite what I am going through right now and despite what I will go through in the coming years. I don't want to say that this is my second lease in life. Rather, I am thankful that I was given the chance to live it fully and enjoy every single hour of it. Not just share but value time with family, friends and those people very dear to me and close to my heart. This year I learned to laugh a little more, love a lot more, appreciate things more.

2011 iba ka! 2012 excited na ako sa'yo.

I am looking forward to 2012. This coming year, I will continue to be a...

Son. Brother. Friend. This fallen angel will fly again...soon.