HERO

Today we celebrate National Heroes Day in the Philippines.

Encarta defined HERO as somebody who commits an act of remarkable bravery or who has shown an admirable quality such as great courage or strength of character. 

Jose Rizal, Apolinario Mabini, Andres Bonifacio, Gabriela Silang, Melchora Aquino. These are the few people in history that showed great amount of courage and bravery in defending our country during the time of war and invasion. Through pens, guns and by helping others.  

Today, OFW’s are considered modern day heroes. Filipinos who has to leave their family here and work abroad to secure a good future for them. 

 

Life is a constant battle. Every day we fight to live. Every day is journey to take.  And I believe that there is a hero in each of us. And I admire all my viral brothers for giving this battle a good fight. I know that since day one that we have learned that we are HIV positive it has made a great change in our lives. 

Hat’s off to all of you who have shown great courage to accept our condition. Disclose to your loved ones. And continue to dream big and make those dreams come true. Acceptance is the key to everything and a very good relationship with GOD. 

To the families and friends who have accepted us, thank you. For being strong for us. You are our heroes.

To the advocates and NGO’s for tirelessly and selflessly helping us.  For all the works you have been doing in reaching out to PLHIV’s, thank you. You are our heroes.

To all people living with HIV, saludo ako sa inyo. Sa atin. Tayo ang mga bayani ng sarili nating buhay. Tuloy ang laban. Tuloy ang buhay. Happy National Heroes Day to all of us.

Mabuhay tayong mga BAYANI ng ating BUHAY.

SET (Band) of Brothers

This has been another productive weekend for me. I felt that I have accomplished a lot of things. 

Good thing I decided to join the Self Empowerment Training (SET) of RITM.  SET is originally for RITM patients only, but they accommodated and allot slot for patients from other hubs (PGH, SLH and others). SET is actually a training/seminar for people living with HIV (PLHIV) especially those newly diagnosed who are having a hard time understanding and accepting their situation.

From the name of the training: Self Empowerment, after two days you are expected to slowly but surely understand and accept your situation. Take the driver’s seat and take control of your life.

Here are the few things that I have learned and enjoyed this weekend:

·         It all starts with acceptance.

·         Each of us has our ways of coping with things.

·         We learn from other people’s story.

·         Positive Self Image

·         I’m ok, you’re ok.

·         You have a lot of potential all you have to do is believe in yourself.

·         You define your own happiness.

·         The virus will not define us, our attitude on accepting and managing it will do.

·         The Power in Me – I have lots of good attitude, traits, qualities and I am proud of it.

·         What I am now is a product of my past. What I will become is a product of what I will do today.

·      We can still do things: Make our dreams come true and achieve our goals. With GOD as our guide.

·         Room 409

·         Ms. Singapore

·         Ms. Japan

·         Ms. Echusera

·         Cherifer for Ms. Japan

·         Solanie Hotel

·         INSPIRED!

The list could go on. But what I really enjoyed most is the experience of getting to know 14 other people of the same status. Sharing, listening and learning from each other. In just two days, I have gained new friends that I know I will keep for life. New friends to draw inspiration from, to go on and give this battle a good fight.

I am happy that through SET, I was also able to share my experiences and some of the things that I have gone through. I hope that in my own little way I was also able to inspire them as much as they inspired me. Now you probably know what our word for the day is, yes, INSPIRED! Because just hearing the stories from these AMAZING guys will inspire you to go on with life, dream big and make it come true.

To my SET Brothers, I am very happy to have met all of you. I learned a lot from you. You inspired me and I hope that I have done the same for you. You made me laugh. I really had a good time. Sorry, I have to leave for my first Big Fish event last Saturday. I know I missed a lot of kulitan. Let’s do it again soon? Just always remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. We are here for each other.

Two Songs

These are for those who gave this battle a good fight. I salute and admire you for being a warrior. 

You're an angel now, and while we are still here battling it out, protect us with your wings and watch over us.

The good Lord has other plan. He has called you to come home and suffer no more.

You will never be forgotten...Goodnight, rest now brother...

The Road Less Travelled (or so I thought)

It's been more than a year since I got sero-converted. 

As discussed from my previous entry, it was an unexpected journey. The test was part of the annual physical exam. Voluntary. It just took a little convincing from a very good friend and an officemate to take it. And the rest as they say is history.

And so the journey to the road less traveled began. It did not disappoint, the road is narrow, cobbled and dusty. The first few steps felt like forever. It makes you feel like stopping and giving up forever and be stuck in that dark lonely alley. But there's a force within and a voice telling you to keep going and never give up. 

I have been walking on that road for more than a year now. I feel like I have been walking forever, sometimes I get tired. Especially when the road gets bumpy. It is still dusty and cobbled but eventually it gets wider. Along the road you will meet other travelers. They'll walk with you and make friends with you. They will share their stories and it's ok to share yours. For all you know, theirs is much worse than yours. And you draw inspiration from them. You help each other to reach your destination. Suddenly you realize the journey becomes pleasurable. You no longer notice the dust and the roughness of the road. You feel as if you are walking on a carpeted hallway. 

You also realize that you are not alone. There are a lot of wonderful people who will help you out. Walking side by side with you. Those who have walked and travelled this way before will help you out, leaving signs and marks to make it easier for you and for those who will soon start their journey after you. Yes, the road is bumpy, there will be a lot of twists and turns but you’ll get by. As the song goes, you’ll get by with a little help from your friends. In my case, I have met a lot of wonderful people from twitter. It started with a small group, and the numbers grew each day. Amazing people. Wonderful people. People whom you can draw strength when you feel weary. People who make you smile. People who make you realize that you can still make a difference despite of the virus. People who help you move on. 

This made me think, this road has been travelled to a lot of times already. A lot of people have been here. A lot has set foot on this road. This road less travelled is actually just a road less talked about. And I see no reason why we should be mum about it. Share your journey. Share your experience. Speak and be heard. Listen and learn. 

I am glad that I was able to experience this. This is one hell of a journey, and I will enjoy it while it last.

Haberdey, Salamat Bro!

Yesterday marked my first year as a poz. And a few days from now will mark my 10^th month on ARV’s. 

And this is what I wrote exactly a year ago:

May 22, 2011

Dead man walking…That’s what I felt when I found out yesterday (May 21, 2011) that I have it.

Unang pumasok sa isip ko, paano na sila Mama at Papa. Sino mag-aalaga sa kanila? Paano na ang mga pamangkin ko? Is it safe to hug and kiss them? Paano na ako?

I can’t recall when or how I got it…Ang iniisip ko ngayon, paano na ako? I  know that right now, there’s no cure to it…Natatakot ako…Nalilito kung ano ang dapat ko gawin…I need someone to share this with, hindi ko kaya…Baka bumigay ako…First person on top of my mind is my best friend…I know that she will listen, I know that there will be a lot of question, but I know she will understand…I am praying that she will not leave me…Kung mawawala siya at hindi ako maiintindihan hindi ko na alam gagawin ko. 

I will see her this week and tell her about it…Ayoko balewalain ito, this is something serious and this is something that I have to face, in one way or the other…Lutang ako, kahapon pa…Hindi ko alam kung paano ko haharapin everyday na ganito ang nararamdaman ko.

Sorry Lord, please forgive me for being careless and not taking caring of my body, the temple of my soul…Dinadasal ko po sa inyo na tulungan niyo ako sa pagsubok na ito…Kayo lamang ang paghuhugutan ko ng lakas para harapin ito…Lord, I lift up everything to you…I’m sorry.

After a year, ano ang nagbago? Ano na ako ngayon? Nasaan na ako?

I would like to think that I have become a better person. Better in the sense that I am still here and giving HIV a good fight.  Yes, I still think about my parents, but I worry more about providing for them and making life easier for them. My way of thanking them for raising me up. My nieces, I spend a lot of time with them and play with them often. We hug and kiss a lot.

Me and my bff’s still manage to spend time together despite our busy schedule. Oftentimes we would check in one of the hotels in Makati or Ortigas to catch up with our lives. And they even love me more. Happy is an understatement.

Just when I thought that being reactive will restrict me from travelling, MALI. I went out of town more than a couple of times for the last year and out of the country twice since I was diagnosed. And now, me and my family is working out for another vacation. Who knows, I might visit Uncle Sam next year (fingers crossed).

Since last year, I have met a lot of wonderful people. Poz, non-poz. Some of them have left and moved on with their lives and most of them stayed. And those who stayed became a new bff. In one way or another, I know that we have both touch each other’s lives.  Last year I also had my first ever pictorial for The Love Yourself Project. Feeling sikat lang. Haha!

Pero sa lahat ng ito…kasama ko si Bro. I don’t think that I will have enough strength and courage to face all of these without HIM by my side or perhaps behind me. Because each time I feel like giving up, HE would always tap my shoulder and remind me that this is not the end. Hinahagod ang likod mo at sasabihin, “This is not yet you’re destination my child. You still have a long way to go.” 

For another year, and to a lot more healthy years to come…Salamat Bro. Maraming Salamat.

Nanay

Sa iyong sinapupunan ako’y iyong inalagaan. Sa loob ng siyam na buwan hindi mo ako pinabayaan. Sabi mo nga, hindi kita pinahirapan, hindi tulad ni ate. Ako dalawang araw na lang bago ipanganak, naglalakad lakad ka pa. Salamat.

Sa iyong malalakas na bisig ako’y iyong ipinaghele. Hindi ako iyakin. Kapag ako’y mahimbing na, ibababa mo na ako sa kama para makagawa ka ng ibang gawain sa bahay. Bagama’t ngayon may kahinaan na ang iyong braso, at minsa’y inaakay na kita. Dama ko pa din ang lakas na noo’y palaging bnumubuhat sa akin. Salamat.

Sa iyong mga bibig, una kong narinig ang A,E,I,O, U. Sa iyo ako natutong bumasa. Sa iyo ako natuto ng mga tamang kulay. Sa iyong mga bibig din narinig ko ang mga katagang, “Kaya mo yan” sa tuwing meron akong mga contest na sinasalihan, interview para sa eskwela at sa trabaho. “I’m proud of you”, sa mga munting bagay na na-achieve ko. “May masakit ba sa’yo?” , sa tuwing makikita mo akong matamlay at walang kibo. Maraming bagay ang narinig ko sa iyong bibig. Karamihan dito ay mga pangaral, na humubog sa aking pagkatao at nagdala sa akin sa kung nasaan man ako ngayon. Hindi ko masabing nasa rurok na ako ng tagumpay, malayo pa ang aking lalakbayin at maraming mga pangaral pa ang kailangan kong marinig sa inyo. Sa lahat ng mga ito. Salamat.

Sa iyong mga mata, nalaman ko na may mga mali akong nagawa. Isang tingin mo lang, alam ko na kailangan ko na itigil ang kung ano mang ginagawa ko. Sa iyong mga mata din nakita ko ang kaligayahan sa tuwing may munting regalo akong iniaabot sa inyo. Ang inyong mata ang tumingin sa akin habang ako’y lumalaki. Bagaman lumalabo na sa pagdaan ng panahon, nais kong ako’y inyo pa din makita at masaksihan ang mga munting tagumpay ko sa buhay. Salamat.

Sa pagpapakilala sa akin sa Diyos at pagtuturo ng pagdarasal at pagtawag sa Kanya. Sa iyong pag-aalaga tuwing ako’y may sakit. Sa pakikinig sa mga kwento ko tuwing may maganda at hindi magandang nangyayari sa akin. Sa pagluluto ng paborito kong pagkain. At sa napakarami pang dahilan na hindi ko na mabilang. Salamat.

Alam ko sa mga oras at panahon na ito, ako ay nagtataksil sa’yo. Isang lihim ang hindi ko pa nasasabi sa’yo. Hindi ko masabi ang tunay na kalagayan ng aking kalusugan. Alam kong maiintindihan mo ko. Alam kong yayakapin mo ako ng mahigpit, alam kong hahawakan mo ang mga kamay ko at kung maari ay hindi mo na ito bitiwan. Pero ayokong may pumatak na luha sa mga mata mo. Ayokong  bigyan ka ng iisipin. Ayoko na mag-alala ka. Ang gusto ko lagi kang makitang masaya. Huwag kang mag-alala, sa tulong ni Ate, ng mga Doktor at ng aking mga kaibigan, ako’y nananatiling malakas. Wala kang dapat ipangamba.

Nanay, Happy Mother’s Day. Alam kong hindi sa lahat ng oras ay pinakinggan kita pero hindi mo ako pinabayaan. Hindi mo ako iniwan. At ngayon nga na nasa hustong gulang na ko, naandyan ka pa din.  Sapagkat alam mong kailangan ko ang gabay mo.

Sa iyong walang katapusang pang-unawa at sa walang hanggang pagmamahal….Maraming Salamat.

Happy Mother’s Day Ma, I love you.

Soaring Phoenix

Minsan dumarating ang pagkakataon na tinatamaan ka ng matinding lungkot…’Yung tipong pag-uwi mo, pagod, wala kang makausap, walang sasalubong sa’yo…You know that you have your family but they are near yet so far…I don’t want to think that this is because of my condition, or the recent surgery that I’ve had or the fact that I don’t feel better after the surgery and the doctor said that I might go under the knife again…Ewan!

I know that this will pass…Salamat sa mga taong nagpapangiti sa akin…Sa mga jokes na bentang benta, you know who you are…Thank you.

I just have to let it out…To my poz friends from twitter, I miss you guys…Kita kits soon…Out of town na next time…Pusit in the Highlands???? Alam na kung saan. 

This post maybe short, but I hope I’ll feel better after this…Someone told me nga, “You are no longer a fallen angel, you’re a soaring phoenix”…And like a phoenix, I will rise and be a better person.

That’s all for now.  My mind is still as incoherent as my feelings.