House Arrest

House arrest again for another week.  Last Friday I went to Megamall to have my left foot checked. I’ve been experiencing on and off pain since late last year.  The last time I had it checked, diagnosis is soft tissue inflammation.  Last Friday I finally decided to see an orthopedic and have it checked as the pain never goes away and it I seems like it’s growing every day.  To my surprise, the cute Doctor said that he can no longer give me meds for pain and inflammation since pain is chronic already. So he advised that we inject steroids for the tendons and cast my left foot after. Reason: Tendinitis. So guys, I suggest, any pain you feel or any discomfort go and visit your doctor at once and have it checked.  ‘Wag ako gayahin. 

Thanks to a good “twitter” friend and a fellow poz who was with me at that time. He accompanied to the clinic and all the way to the taxi bay on my way home. 

All plans ruined, all schedules messed up. I was supposed to have my CD4 count today, together with a very good poz friend. Oh well, I will just have it done next week. 

Baby again, for one week. Yung ang una kong naisip. I will have to stay in my parent’s house. Here, almost everything is within arm reach. For two days now, my dad prepared my breakfast. Mom cooks lunch and dinner. And because of my condition, they don’t want me moving around too much. Clothes, food, water even meds – inaabot na lang. I feel helpless but I can’t do anything about it for now. It’s hard to move around with one foot on cast. And instead of thinking that way, I think of it as a blessing. To appreciate my parents and how they care for me and how they really love me. I can see the worry on their face every time they see me walk (I am using a cane when walking), afraid that I might fall or stumble. Oh parents, they are the most wonderful gift from heaven.

My parents are just AMAZING. Since I was a kid, mom has been taking care of us. I remember having “yaya” until I was in 2^nd grade and since then Mom has been hands on with me and my Ate. Dad has his own way of showing his love and affection for us. Simple things like cooking our fave food, preparing my breakfast, buying my meds, making sure that all my stuff in my place is in order. And in times like this, that I can really feel their love and care. 

If only for these reasons, I want another House Arrest…even for life. Seriously, I just want to get better and start to work again. I miss going to work; I miss my staffs, my officemates. But when I report for work next week, I will definitely miss my dad’s breakfast and my mom’s freshly cooked lunch and dinner. And more than anything else, I will miss the time spent with them. Watching our favorite show together. Laughing at each other’s joke. Pigging out. I will definitely miss this “House Arrest”.

Love Month

(Warning: A long read. Might bore you. A month long thoughts and musings.)

It’s the end of the month and I have not written anything yet…I know I promised to write as often but my busy schedule won’t permit me to…But I won’t let this month end without having at least one entry.

The year started a bit shaky for me, health wise at least. Last month, as mentioned in my previous entry. I was rushed to the ER twice due to Costochondritis. But I’m ok now.

And so the love month is almost over, but as the song goes…”where is the love?” hahaha!

There have been good news and heartbreaks this love month.

I have been busy with work that I never really noticed that Valentine’s Day is almost near and that I have to spend the day alone – again, for the nth time. I don’t mind actually. Living alone for almost seven years makes no difference of spending the “love” day by myself.

So much for the V-day. This month, I have met a fellow pozzie. We have been communicating since late last year if my memory serves me right. We planned to meet and have dinner or coffee but our schedule won’t permit us to. And cliché as it may seem; we’ve finally met due to unusual circumstance. He left his meds at home and I have extra since we are going out of town for the office team building. I lent him my meds and that’s how we’ve finally met. We meet again after a week, had dinner and movie. We have yet to schedule or next meet up.

Last weekend was another blast. We went out of town again – with my officemates. Spent the night in one of the resorts in Batangas and headed to Tagaytay the next day. That was the only time na napuyat ako after a long time. We stayed until 4am playing cards. I feel normal – again. It’s liberating to do the things that you have been doing before. Except that I did not drink. They were asking me to, but I gladly refused.

Today, I met another angel. We all know that I am still under prophylaxis. I am still taking Azithromycin and Cotrimoxazole. My doctor told me that I will only stop taking the prop if I get two consecutive count of CD4 of 50 and up. Initial CD4 is 31; next CD4 count is due next month. Goal is to make it triple digit this time and next CD4 count will be six months after. So, I still have to take it for another 9 months or so. Today, I met someone who gave me his extra Cotrimoxazole caps. And it’s good for one month. That would mean savings for me. Thank you so much – you know who you are. Thank you also to @iamhivpositivem, I met the guy through him.

This month also, I was able to talk with other pozzies. And I hope that with the little knowledge and experience that I have, I was able to help them. I hope that the “words of wisdom”, if I may call it has helped them in one way or another. Remember that an angel is just always around the corner ready to listen.

This month could have been perfect if not for the one sad news, which really broke my heart. My Doctor in SAGIP-PGH will be leaving and will only be in SAGIP until today. Ang sad no? She’s been my Doctor since I was diagnosed last May. I met her in June and she has been taking care of me for the last 8 months. It really breaks my heart knowing that she’ll be leaving. She’s leaving SAGIP because she’s already done with her fellowship. I don’t know these things about med but I know that she can start her private practice. And I told her that if she decides to start her practice, she just let me know. I will follow her and be my private Doctor. I have nothing against the other Doctors in PGH, but I have developed trust and “friendship” with her. I am so comfortable talking with her. I will surely miss her. Doc Rose, thank you so much and good luck. See you around.

Love month is over…Summer is here…I will be busy preparing for my next trip…Ang mga intsik kasi ang daming requirements, I just wanted to see The Great Wall…Oh well, securing an NBI clearance pala will really test your patience.

That’s all for now. Hope you had a blast this love month and hoping that you’ll have an Amazing Summer.

Keep the faith. Stay healthy. Keep smiling. Keep the good vibes coming. 

And to the new followers, thank you.  

Life!

So true...What I like the most, "Getting lost will help you find yourself." So don't be afraid to take a step out of your comfort zone. Don't be afraid to try things out, don't be afraid to sail out in the open sea. You will definitely discover a lot of things, especially about yourself.

"Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them" Like what I have always been telling, being a PLHIV is life changing. Every "gising" is a blessing as they say. And everyday is an opportunity to do good to others, touch their lives, inspire them, put a smile on their face and make a difference. At the end of the day, people will remember you not for what you are but for who you are and how you touched their life.  So make each day an opportunity to reach out to others. 

 The challenge and the question remains..."How many lives have you touched today?"

This goes to everyone out there, to my friends and to all my dear imaginary readers, are you living the life that you want? "Life is too short, Live your dream and wear your passion."

Good News, Bad News

My thoughts are incoherent now, sorry if this entry will confuse you.

I turned a year older last week. Like what a lot people are saying, a year older, a year wiser.  Just a few days after my birthday I met a new pozzie.  Since the day I found out about my HIV status, promised myself that I will try to to reach out and help someone who is need. I am not rich, but I wholeheartedly offer myself as friend and a brother to someone who is lost and confused. I am happy that I gained this person’s trust. But really saddened by the fact that there’s a new HIV case. Actually, barely two weeks since the start of the year, I have already met two new pozzies. And I would like to thank them for sharing their stories with me and for trusting me. 

Last weekend, I had my first out of town trip for the year and my first “gimik”. Tired from the out of town trip, I rested for a few hours before heading to the house party. Since morning, I am actually feeling uneasy due to mild chest pains. But my alter-ego – the “I am super fine” me, is saying that everything will be fine and that I have nothing to worry about. And so after a few hours of resting, I went to the party. I had my first taste of alcohol after almost one year of abstinence. I had vodka – alcohol kicked in. But I still know what I am doing, I got home safe. Thanks to the new friends and for the ride home. 

Chest pains became intolerable. I had fever last Sunday. I wasn’t able to report for work yesterday. I needed to be rushed to the ER due to the pain and to do all the lab tests to rule out any heart problem and that it is only muscle spasm/stress. So after almost 4 hours in the hospital, I was finally sent home. All the lab tests were normal. Meds for pain and muscle relaxants were given, which I have to take for a week. Tomorrow, I will see my Doctor in SAGIP. 

Rounding up the first two weeks of 2012, here are some good and bad news:

Good News: I celebrated my birthday. I was able to reach out to other people – pozzies thru my blog and twitter. I have touched a life and hopefully am an inspiration to others. Once again, I felt the love and caring of my parents. Dad accompanied me to the hospital in the morning; Mom never left my side the entire time I was in the ER. They’re the most wonderful parents. I couldn’t ask for more. I feel guilty though, for not telling them my real health status. But like what we usually say, “What they don’t know, won’t hurt them”. 

Bad News: First taste of ER for 2012 and hoping that no more hospital visits again for the year except for the regular checkups with my Doctor from SAGIP. 

Here’s wishing for more good news for all of us this coming year. 

Thank you 2011, What's up 2012!

2011 has been a wild roller coaster ride. The one that makes me hold on to the edge of my seat. This will always be a memorable year for me. A lot of good and not so good things have happened. I know this is cliché, but I am letting bygones be bygones. I am bringing with me the good memories of 2011 and leaving behind the hurts, frustrations and pains.

To my parents – Papa and Mama – Thank you. I can never thank you enough for all the love and support. I may not have been a perfect son, but I know that I have been a good person. And I would like to thank you for raising me well. 

To my sister – Ate – Thank you for the love and understanding. We don’t get to talk as often as we used to be. And yes, I missed those days. I know that your family is your priority now. You are the best and the sweetest sister in the world.

To my BFF’s – M, J and N – Our friendship has been tested by time. Come hell or high water, we are always there for each other. Thank you to the wonderful 15 years of friendship. I am looking forward to more years of laughing, crying and making good memories with you.

This year I started to blog, I started to tweet. 

To my virtual readers – thank you for peeping. For leaving comments and for liking my entries. I hope that in my own little way, I have touched your lives. I promise to write as often this year.

To my twitter friends – thank you. Some of you I have met already. And I am looking forward to seeing you guys again. Let’s have coffee or dinner again. And let’s do it often. I am also looking forward to meet my other twitter and virtual friends. 

To YOU – you know who you are. Thank you. I have said this already. Ours is the kind of love that we need. We’re more than friends but less than lovers. Thank you and don’t ever change. ILY.

2011 is one for the books. Looking forward to making another wild, crazy, wonderful ride with all of you guys this 2012. 

Happy New Year!

twenty eleven

(Warning: A long read. Due to busy schedule, this could be my year end entry. Welcome the New Year safely.)

 

2011...looking back. The year started with a re-org in the office. Like everybody else, I was hesitant at first. But change is inevitable. And it turned out to be ok. New bosses were good. Co-officers are kinder, staff became more efficient. What else could you ask for?

Second quarter came and never in my wildest dream that 2011 will play a prank on me. A joke that I have to bear with for the rest of my life. Summer 2011, time for the annual physical exam. My officemate and me decided to have ours scheduled on the same weekend. APE package includes guess what, yes, HIV testing. I was hesitant at first. But after much convincing from my very good officemate friend, we both took it (she - single at that time).  And so without further ado, blood samples were taken. No counseling, no talks, NADA. Results came in two weeks after. Just when I thought that everything about me is normal, Blood Sugar - normal, Cholesterol - Normal, Uric Acid - Normal, FBS - Normal. Except for the low "good" cholesterol and my hypertension, everything's perfectly fine. Until two weeks later - a sealed white envelope was handed to me. And my life changed. I froze when I opened it for the first time inside the elevator. Speechless. Cold sweat. Floating. My mind isn't working at that time. All I could think is - death. I don't want to die.

I immediately went to the nearest chapel. How, I can no longer remember. I kneeled, prayed and ask for my mind to be clear. Never questioned HIM why. Up to this date, I never have the courage to ask HIM why. It was a self made act, nobody but me should be responsible for my doing. All I asked from HIM is for guidance to know what to do and lead me to the right person. For a month, I was out of the loop. I kept it to myself. I talked to no one but me. In prayers I talked with HIM. Saying sorry all the time. Long sleepless nights. For a month, all I did is to read and research about the virus. Is there a cure? What does it do to my body? Are there meds? Am I going to die? What about my parents? What about my sister, my nieces, my aunts? Lots of questions going through my head. The usual bubbly me suddenly became quiet and reserved. People from the office, especially my staff were the first to notice.

And so after a month of reading, researching and praying. I told myself this has to stop. I can no longer keep it to myself. I met someone from the net - a blogger, and HIV positive as well. The first pozzie friend I knew. He also helped me decide which hub to go. With all the information at hand, I finally had the courage to talk to my bestfriends. After a simple dinner, we went straight to her unit. I finally cried, I breakdown. Friends cried with me and they never questioned me. No judgement. They simply said, we have a big battle to fight and we are all in this together. That made me cry evenmore. As for my sister, I have an earlier post about how I disclosed to her.

I decided to "enroll" in SAGIP-PGH. The most proximate to where I live and work. (To my imaginary readers, especially for the newly diagnosed who haven't decided yet on which hub you will "enroll", consider proximity. Because if anything happens, you can easily go and see your doctor). Hour past noon, I was knocking at the door of SAGIP with my bff's. After a few minutes of waiting, I was invited inside the clinic and soon my new best friend - my doctor came in. She asked everything about me -  I told her everything she needs to know. Doctor simply said, "Ang tapang mo. Wala ka man lang kinausap for a month. But it looks like you have good family background naman kasi hindi ka naman nakaisip gumawa ng masama (suicidal? No Doc, I'm not)." What surprised Doc even more is that I never went through the usual HIV testing procedure - I was never counseled before and after taking the test. Not even a single word when I was handed the sealed envelope. It's as if having the virus is not enough, another blow came in. CD4 is very low at 31. I have to start with ARV's immediately. But I have to defer for two weeks since our family has scheduled a vacation as early as January and can no longer be cancelled. Immediately after our vacation I started with the ARV's.

It's been almost five months now since I took my first pill of Lamivudine/Zidovudine and Nevirapine - yes, that's my cocktail. Lucky eh, to stick to the first line of meds. I never had unusual side effects. As earlier mentioned in my previous entry, it was Azithromycin (one of my prophylaxis) that sent me to the hospital due to gastritis. Latest lab results are normal, ALT, AST, CBC and platelets are all normal. I am scheduled for my next CD4 and VL count next month. Until then, we will have to know if my body is really responding to the meds. For now, I am happy that I never experienced "nevirapine" rash and anemia. Recently, I found out (through a fellow pozzie who's taking the same cocktail) that there's a one-pill combination for all three meds. I asked my doctor and she said when I am stable enough we will try that one pill combo - yey!

During the Christmas Eve mass, I was teary eyed while praying. I am so grateful of the many blessings in my life. Despite what I am going through right now and despite what I will go through in the coming years. I don't want to say that this is my second lease in life. Rather, I am thankful that I was given the chance to live it fully and enjoy every single hour of it. Not just share but value time with family, friends and those people very dear to me and close to my heart. This year I learned to laugh a little more, love a lot more, appreciate things more.

2011 iba ka! 2012 excited na ako sa'yo.

I am looking forward to 2012. This coming year, I will continue to be a...

Son. Brother. Friend. This fallen angel will fly again...soon.

tears (cheers) for the holidays!

December has always been the busiest month of the year. Dinners, shopping and parties everywhere. Our office party’s theme this year is Masquerade Ball. Being the newbie in the company and the "bibo" kid that I am, I was chosen to be part of the committee. We were incharge in the preparation for the party and have to make sure that everything will run smoothly on the "big" day. I was also tasked to host the party that night.

Highlight of the party is the Division’s presentation cum competition. Our Division Head assigned me to lead the group. WTF, it’s as if being a committee member and hosting the party is not enough, I will have to lead a pack of 30 kids (including myself) – I call them kids as most of them are younger than me. After almost 3 weeks of preparation – yes that’s how big the presentation was and that’s how important it is as part of the Christmas Party, things are slowly getting into my nerve and tolling on me. Officemates have noticed the change from being Mr. Nice guy to Mr. Bad Guy – good pa din naman. Sungit lang ng kaunti due to the child-like and childish attitudes of some members of the group.

Last night of practice was hell night. I am really tired, after an almost whole day meeting with the committee, interviewing an applicant, meeting with the bosses. As what everyone would say, lowbat na ako during our rehearsal. I wasn’t able to check my phone not until I got home and this is what a very good friend from the office (who knows my sero-positive status) texted me:

"Teh naramdaman ko hirap at pagod mo. Bilib ako sa’yo. Nagagawa mo lahat yan despite what you’re going through. Wag mo pabayaan sarili mo. Ingat pag-uwi. God Bless unselfish people like you."

(Friend, I can feel that you’re tired and fatigued. I admire you. You can still do all those things despite what you’re going through, Take good care of yourself. Take care going home. God Bless unselfish people like you) – this is my best translation of her message. Hahaha!

Anyhow, what do I say to that? I am speechless. I never thought that someone would notice those simple gestures. I never complained about going home late and being tired during our practices. I don’t want to give them any hint that I am sick. And that deep inside, I want to breakdown and cry.

After a few minutes, I simply replied "Thank you. I was given the task; I have to do it. Kaya naman."

That simple message of appreciation brought tears to my eyes. I haven’t cried since opening up with my sister about my status. Not until last week. And this is a good reason to cry.

To you, I have already said how much I appreciate your kind words. Thank you very much.

By the way, our party was a blast. Our senior officers enjoyed the show and I received nice words and review from hosting the program. Our group finished third. Not bad.

Happy holidays everyone. Enjoy the festivities. Stay safe and healthy always.